MFX Ramblings, The Cook Report

It’s Hip To Be Square

I promised I would write this last time, but I never really expected I would, then something happened at the weekend which ensured it would be written.

Last time in my serious article about politics, (which was great right up until the election results started rolling in), I promised I would write something about hipsters. It is not just hipsters though, it is hipsters and wrestling fans.

A while ago, I had two nights out in a week, which is pretty rare for me. It should have been a time of much merriment. One was a night out for ICW, a night I have already written about, the next was a works thing where we went out for beers.

My abiding memory of both nights is beards. Wrestling fans thanks to Daniel Bryan fucking love beards! They were everywhere. Hipsters also seem partial to the hairy face, because they think it makes them cool.

And that is a BIG problem for me. Beards are not cool, they don’t make you a wrestler, and they certainly do not make you different these days. In fact, they make 99% of people look stupid.

Now before anyone gets all pissy about me ripping on there chin decoration, I will add right here that I myself have a beard. Mine is for medical reasons though, one of maybe three reasons a beard is allowed.

Reason 1 is religion, 2 is you are a sailor and 3 is the condition I have, being a lazy bastard. Thats it. Being a wrestling fan, or being 40 and thinking it makes you interesting does not count as a valid reason.

But not everyone knows my condition, and they think MY fantastic facial fungus is me trying to be cool. ME?? I actually feel like doing a Miz catchphrase here, thats how bad things have gotten.

Now I am not really having a go at wrestling fans with beards, it is a category I fit into on both counts, and lets be honest, as long as I avoid going anywhere in a Raven costume, doing a “YES” chant, or wearing wrestling merch (the only merch allowable is MFX merch), I can generally pass as a normal person.

But hipsters? Their whole ethos is trying to look cool while looking like they don’t really try, even though they put massive effort into it. The incident this weekend sums them up completely, and this is the absolute truth here.

I was dropping a young lady off in town for a battle of the bands type event. Now this is generally a night when young musicians can showcase talent with fairly low expectation levels in front of a group of teens and twenty-somethings.

No pressure, just a fun night out with your peers. Until the hipster shows up with his attitude that is. Outside this venue I saw one guy, about 50 years old, with a ginger pointy beard and a hat that looked almost like a stetson…. in Dundee, in Scotland……. I was getting annoyed.

Seriously, my eye was twitching already.

What I saw next really did it for me though. Another  middle aged man, another beard, this one a goatee. This one though had a pair of corduroy trousers on, a tweed jacket, and was SMOKING A FUCKING PIPE! One of those curved ones with the big bowl. He took a puff from it, then put it in his pocket…..

I could see him nodding his head as he spoke, I could almost hear what he said. I am guessing at ‘Yez, I am very exzited for doniiiide, it should be vandasdic’. (in real words that’s excited for tonight, should be great, but these hipsters do not like hard consonants ….)

I have been off the cigarettes for 18 months now, but in that instant, I wanted to start again, just so I could put the cigarette out in his eye.

I have no problem with these guys really, they can dress as they like, smoke pipes if they want, in fact I am happy for them to go on looking like twats forever, but the beards are a problem.

People look at me like I am trying to be like these mid life crisis saddos. I have absolutely no desire to hang about in cool bars thinking I am cool and might have a chance with a girl half my age, before going home alone.

I don’t want to drink crap beer from micro breweries while eating tapas made by Peruvian orphans. I want to drink crap beer from America and eat kebabs, and not even THINK about girls half my age.

I want to go out and have a good time as well, and that does not include seething half the night when some hipster comes into a bar I like and calls it “ironic” or “Kitsch”.

And here is the worst bit. Because of those two nights out I mentioned earlier, because of my disgust at the sights I saw, I ditched an old friend. I shaved the beard I have had on and off for over a decade, just so I didn’t blend in with these hipsters or wannabe wrestlers.

I actually went on another night out where I met a few footballing legends clean shaven, and the sad truth is that without my furry facial friend, I look like a twat….

Tragedies like this can be prevented though. wrestling fans can do their bit by having a shave. Maybe then the hipsters will follow suit thinking the trend is no longer cool. Maybe I can go back to people thinking I am just lazy again.

And then I can get back to writing fun stuff rather than telling people what they should already know. Beards are not and never will be cool, except on me.

Go shave, you will feel much better for it, and technically, you will also lose weight. Go set your chin skin free, and do it now.

Their is a scene in Macbeth where Shakespeare writes of a world that just feels wrong. Macbeth has just killed the king, and the natural order is upset, the world is out of balance.

That is how the world is now, and the only way to save it is to shave it……